Just say.

Had talks with various people. Friends, parents, close people. I don't really know what I am saying. I do hope they understood me though. As for me. I need to say stuff. I don't know if I'm putting it across correctly or not. Is there a way I can let the people who I really want to hear what I have to say hear it properly? I am confused. Disturbed. And destroyed. I really am trying to do stuff to myself. And to other people in my life which I hope I can make a change with. But I think I'm shortchanging them. I am not giving them all I am. People who know me know Mel as a crazy, insane. psycho person who is obessed with making noise and gore, gore and more gore. Am I still like that? Is this starting to sound like an emo post? I am definitely feeling very emotional. This is possibly the roughest period I've been through as far as I can remember. I am sorry everyone. Especially people who care about me. I'm really trying my best. It's just taking too much out of me. I am doing all I can. Am I really doing it? How do you get rid of it? Am I going to end up a person who cannot see anymore? I am heartbroken. This is not the first time. But this one shattered it beyond what I thought imaginable. Grinded it through a brand new blender. And poured all out onto the highway to be stuck in between the grooves of a hundred vehicles during peak hour. Going everywhere and not able to be traced completely ever. I am extremely numb. I can't eat. Have not had a decent meal for weeks. The last thing I remember really eating was a bowl of beef noodles. Everything else that went into my mouth came puking out within half an hour. I am sick. I can't think. Even during my orientation in NTU I was not there. I had no more mind. I am moving about doing things I should do. Making appointments with people. But I am never really there. Am I really saying all this on my blog? Am I feeling "peiseh" about it? By right I would. But like I said. I can't feel or see anymore. I am becoming what I have loved all my life. A zombie. I am gone. I am done. I am all messed up. I need help. Call me lame for saying this. But seriously. Anyone out there who think they can help. Or know of someone who can. Please contact me. I am really going to be nothing very soon.