No meaning

There is no real content here. I am writing for the sake of writing.
Change everything.

All hope is gone. August 20th.

Roadrunner records. Should be in SG on time I hope.

Vegan meal. Hilltops & yoyos.

Woke up very eary today. Just like how I would normally attend school for flagraising and anthem singing in the morning. Had economical kway teow with one egg. Then it was on the hilltop of jurong hill to look at stuff and wind down. And abit of yoyoing with my clear reccessed Freehand Zero done by Yusri in the technical room in school.

It cannot stop.

I am here. Sitting alone in my room. Crying. It's madness. It's taking so much out of me. So much words. So much thoughts. So much advice and help. I can't. I really can't. I need to stop this. I have laid all options on the table. There seems to be little left. I have laid everything out. Everything.
I've never believed in God. Entities. Or heaven or hell. But it sure feels like hell for me now. Tell me it's real God. I might need to talk to you real soon.

Bloodshed no more.

In the light of all that has happened. I know I'm never the man I used to be. It still hurts till this very moment. Waking up in the mornings have been worse than anything I've experienced in my life. It used to be the stench of sweat and saliva on my pillows but now its all just tears. I have decided to learn to control myself. Never giving to much. Never taking too much either. I have decided to go Vegan. Strange yes for a meat and gore lover like me. But I guess this will make me a stronger man. I will resist. I will choose. Let's see if I will survive.

Thank You.

I really appreciate it. The cookies were delicious. Definitely the nicest thing I tasted since awhile.

Music.

gone

I did my time
And I want out
So abusive, fate
It doesn't cut
The soul
Is not so vibrant
The reckoning
The sickening
Back at you
Subversion
Pseudo-sacred
Pyscho virgin
Go tell your classes
Go dig you grave
Then fill
Your mouth with
All the money
You will save
Sinking in
Getting smaller again
Undone
It has begun
I'm not the only one

And the rain
Will kill us all
If we throw ourselves
Against the wall
But no one else
Can see
The preservation
Of the martyr in me

Psychosocial

Oh, there are cracks
In the road we lay
From when the devil fell
The secrets have gone mad
This is nothing new
But would we kill it all
Fate was all we had
Who needs another mess
We could start over
Just look me in the eyes
And say I'm wrong
Now there's only emptiness
But I'm missing something
I think we're done
I'm not the only one

Fake and defenseless lie
(Psychosocial)
I tried to tell you first
(Psychosocial)
Your hurtful lies
Are giving out
(Psychosocial)
Can't stop the killing
I can't help
If it's hunting season
Is this what you want
I'm not the only one

Pain

My head hurts like shit I can't do anything. I tried everything possible. I'm supposed to be out on my bike now. I am everywhere. My head hurts. How am I to go school like this? I can't work. I might need to end things quick. My head hurts. I need solutions. It's hurting everyday. I need to end things quick.

The sickening.

Last night I had a very very thorough dream. I was a doctor in a hospital. I was going around the hospital attending to the sick. It was extremely detailed. I could even remember me wearing a pair of Jordan 3's Fire-red. I was actually doing things productively. But I was a doctor. Why am I a doctor? I am a teacher. Not a doctor.

Ate

I ate Mee Siam today.
But half of it came out from my mouth half an hour later.
It was still tasty though.

Just say.

Had talks with various people. Friends, parents, close people. I don't really know what I am saying. I do hope they understood me though. As for me. I need to say stuff. I don't know if I'm putting it across correctly or not. Is there a way I can let the people who I really want to hear what I have to say hear it properly? I am confused. Disturbed. And destroyed. I really am trying to do stuff to myself. And to other people in my life which I hope I can make a change with. But I think I'm shortchanging them. I am not giving them all I am. People who know me know Mel as a crazy, insane. psycho person who is obessed with making noise and gore, gore and more gore. Am I still like that? Is this starting to sound like an emo post? I am definitely feeling very emotional. This is possibly the roughest period I've been through as far as I can remember. I am sorry everyone. Especially people who care about me. I'm really trying my best. It's just taking too much out of me. I am doing all I can. Am I really doing it? How do you get rid of it? Am I going to end up a person who cannot see anymore? I am heartbroken. This is not the first time. But this one shattered it beyond what I thought imaginable. Grinded it through a brand new blender. And poured all out onto the highway to be stuck in between the grooves of a hundred vehicles during peak hour. Going everywhere and not able to be traced completely ever. I am extremely numb. I can't eat. Have not had a decent meal for weeks. The last thing I remember really eating was a bowl of beef noodles. Everything else that went into my mouth came puking out within half an hour. I am sick. I can't think. Even during my orientation in NTU I was not there. I had no more mind. I am moving about doing things I should do. Making appointments with people. But I am never really there. Am I really saying all this on my blog? Am I feeling "peiseh" about it? By right I would. But like I said. I can't feel or see anymore. I am becoming what I have loved all my life. A zombie. I am gone. I am done. I am all messed up. I need help. Call me lame for saying this. But seriously. Anyone out there who think they can help. Or know of someone who can. Please contact me. I am really going to be nothing very soon.

Last day of school.

Thank you all. From the bottom of my heart. Without you all. I am nobody.