Paint till I drop dead.

I need to start painting again. I will start painting again.

Heard fireworks.

I heard some fireworks around 8pm-ish. Don't know where it came from and what event it was. Don't really care anyway.

Nothing really matters anymore.

I don't want to hear or see fireworks anymore in my life. It's like my heart exploding over and over again.

I need to keep breathing.

I'm losing my breathe and grip. I don't seem to be doing anything for a reason anymore. I'm just doing it. I want to stop. Someone help or I can't breathe anymore.

Supreme 2008 Fall/Winter Collection

Why am I not living in New York or Los Angeles...... I would be able to get away from everything here that hurts so much. A totally new world for me to be myself again. And to get all the cool clothes I can't get here. New season stuff. Sigh.

Wow. Watch the video. Hear the songs. So good.

http://www.myspace.com/iwrestledabearonce

White whale.

click it to read please. you won't regret it.

What a great comic strip. Have not seen such a good one in a long time. There's this whole teen angst, tragic love story, norwegian viking metal music video and crazy gore vibe all going on at the same time. This is one of my instant classics.

Far away from everything.

Here I am sitting alone in KL times square. Doing this entry.
I can't feel anything. Everyone around me is a stranger. I am the stranger.
I am lost anywhere in the world.
I feel like shit. But at least I feel something.

For what?

It's morning again.

I hate mornings. I hate waking up. It just hurts so much to wake up in the morning.
I don't want to wake up anymore.

Straight from the bottle.

Drinking this straight from the bottle at room temperature knocks you out quick. I don't want to stay awake anymore.
I love this stuff.

Lost.

Do you remember the last time you lost something important? Cellphone? Laptop? Thumbdrive? Special keychain from special someone? Wallet? Identity card? It sure felt like shit. Everything you did to it. For it. With it. Gone. Either lost in eternal abyss. Or picked up by someone who does not even think twice about deleting your hardwork stored in your laptop so that he or she gets a brand new one. At your expense. And your failure to keep your item properly, be it accidental or negligance.

Xinyi was very important in my life. Everyday when I wake up. Besides the mandatory schoolwork I have to prepare for my lessons with the kids. I will then think of what needs to be done. With, about and for Xinyi. I have lost something so dear in my life, that nothing now is the same anymore.

I go about things I need to do. But the thought of her gone is heart wrenching. I have become so emotionally unstable. I will break into tears at every opportunity it presents to me. I cannot listen to radio anymore. Because 99.9% are songs about relationships and stuff. I see an old lady selling tissue and her plight drives me to tear. I have not smiled or laughed out loud with genine intent for as long as I can remember.

Some of you who know about my situation may feel that I am weak. You are right. I am. And I really don't know how much longer I can hold out.

Where are we all heading?

I've created so much pain for myself and all those around me.

What are we doing?

I remember a friend telling me this advise. "Nothing is forever"
What am I doing today then? And tomorrow? For what?
Why should I if nothing is ever gonna work out. When everything eventually comes to an end?

Dreams about Monkeys with claws.

I had a very nice dream about Monkeys with very long claws attacking me viciously. It happened under some HDB block. There were three of them. I managed to put all three into a red plastic bag at the end of it. Then I woke up to the sound of the rubbish truck reversing below.

Walked and walked.

I went round places she used to love. Places that could see fireworks. I couldn't see anyone at all. She is lost.
I have blisters on my feet.

How many more parades can I enjoy? She loves fireworks. I hated them.

Talking to someone? Self talking? Psychotic?

Praying still.

Prayer to St. Jude

"St Jude, Glorious Apostle, Faithful Servant and friend of Jesus. The name of the traitor has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the true Church invokes you universally as the patron of things despaired of. Pray for me who am so miserable, pray for me that finally I may recieve the consolations and succour of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, particularly (my separation with xinyi) and that I may bless god with the elect throughout eternity."


A close friend and mentor of mine gave me this prayer to read. She read it out for me the first time. And I burst into tears. I still do when I read it every morning.

Like I said before. I was never a religious person. And I still think I am not one. But saying it makes me feel more at peace. Although just a little. But it's better than nothing.

It never stopped.

How long does it have to hurt.

Only one.

I spent the day outside. Doing alot of things. Trying to be occupied.

There is only one person who can help me heal now. But that one person is not really bothered. At all. It's funny how hearts change in an instant. I was there for everything she needed. Every single damn thing. Nothing stood between my whole hearted presence. Even when things were against me. Even when I was wronged or I have been done wrong. I was always there. Even when problems arose which would have broken a million other relationships. I forgave. And held on.

But now it's not me who has let go.